The $30,000 Bequest and Other Stories
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Pages (PDF): 277
Publication Date: 1906
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A collection of thirty comic short stories by the iconic American humorist and writer Mark Twain. Includes; The $30,000 Bequest; A Dog's Tale; Was It Heaven? Or Hell?; A Cure for the Blues; The Enemy Conquered; or, Love Triumphant; The Californian's Tale; A Helpless Situation; A Telephonic Conversation; Edward Mills and George Benton: A Tale; The five boons of Life; The First Writing-Machines; Italian Without A Master; Italian With Grammar; A Burlesque Biography; How To Tell A Story; General Washington's Negro Body-Servant; Wit Inspirations Of The "Two-Year-Olds"; An Entertaining Article; A Letter To The Secretary Of The Treasury; Amended Obituaries; A Monument To Adam; A Humane Word From Satan; Introduction To "The New Guide Of The Conversation In Portuguese And English"; Advice To Little Girls; Post-Mortem Poetry (1); The Danger Of Lying In Bed; Portrait Of King William III; Does The Race Of Man Love A Lord?; Extracts From Adam's Diary; and, Eve's Diary.
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Now came great news! Stunning news—joyous news, in fact. It came from a neighboring state, where the family's only surviving relative lived. It was Sally's relative—a sort of vague and indefinite uncle or second or third cousin by the name of Tilbury Foster, seventy and a bachelor, reputed well off and corresponding sour and crusty. Sally had tried to make up to him once, by letter, in a bygone time, and had not made that mistake again. Tilbury now wrote to Sally, saying he should shortly die, and should leave him thirty thousand dollars, cash; not for love, but because money had given him most of his troubles and exasperations, and he wished to place it where there was good hope that it would continue its malignant work. The bequest would be found in his will, and would be paid over. PROVIDED, that Sally should be able to prove to the executors that he had TAKEN NO NOTICE OF THE GIFT BY SPOKEN WORD OR BY LETTER, HAD MADE NO INQUIRIES CONCERNING THE MORIBUND'S PROGRESS TOWARD THE EVERLASTING TROPICS, AND HAD NOT ATTENDED THE FUNERAL.
As soon as Aleck had partially recovered from the tremendous emotions created by the letter, she sent to the relative's habitat and subscribed for the local paper.
Man and wife entered into a solemn compact, now, to never mention the great news to any one while the relative lived, lest some ignorant person carry the fact to the death-bed and distort it and make it appear that they were disobediently thankful for the bequest, and just the same as confessing it and publishing it, right in the face of the prohibition. For the rest of the day Sally made havoc and confusion with his books, and Aleck could not keep her mind on her affairs, not even take up a flower-pot or book or a stick of wood without forgetting what she had intended to do with it. For both were dreaming.
"Thir-ty thousand dollars!"
All day long the music of those inspiring words sang through those people's heads.
From his marriage-day forth, Aleck's grip had been upon the purse, and Sally had seldom known what it was to be privileged to squander a dime on non-necessities.
"Thir-ty thousand dollars!" the song went on and on. A vast sum, an unthinkable sum!
All day long Aleck was absorbed in planning how to invest it, Sally in planning how to spend it.
There was no romance-reading that night. The children took themselves away early, for their parents were silent, distraught, and strangely unentertaining. The good-night kisses might as well have been impressed upon vacancy, for all the response they got; the parents were not aware of the kisses, and the children had been gone an hour before their absence was noticed. Two pencils had been busy during that hour—note-making; in the way of plans. It was Sally who broke the stillness at last. He said, with exultation:
"Ah, it'll be grand, Aleck! Out of the first thousand we'll have a horse and a buggy for summer, and a cutter and a skin lap-robe for winter."
Aleck responded with decision and composure—
"Out of the CAPITAL? Nothing of the kind. Not if it was a million!"
Sally was deeply disappointed; the glow went out of his face.
"Oh, Aleck!" he said, reproachfully. "We've always worked so hard and been so scrimped: and now that we are rich, it does seem—"
He did not finish, for he saw her eye soften; his supplication had touched her. She said, with gentle persuasiveness:
"We must not spend the capital, dear, it would not be wise. Out of the income from it—"
"That will answer, that will answer, Aleck! How dear and good you are! There will be a noble income and if we can spend that—"
"Not ALL of it, dear, not all of it, but you can spend a part of it. That is, a reasonable part. But the whole of the capital—every penny of it—must be put right to work, and kept at it. You see the reasonableness of that, don't you?"
"Why, ye-s. Yes, of course. But we'll have to wait so long. Six months before the first interest falls due."
"Longer, Aleck? Why? Don't they pay half-yearly?"
"THAT kind of an investment—yes; but I sha'n't invest in that way."
"What way, then?"
"For big returns."
"Big. That's good. Go on, Aleck. What is it?"
"Coal. The new mines. Cannel. I mean to put in ten thousand. Ground floor. When we organize, we'll get three shares for one."
"By George, but it sounds good, Aleck! Then the shares will be worth—how much? And when?"
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